But I suppose it doesn’t really matter, it’s not like I’m writing a formal essay or a novel or anything. Just a blog, can be as informal as I want it to be. I don’t plan on showing this to anyone, and keeping it as anonymous as possible. So I feel like I’ve been holding back writing my emotions and opinions. I’m really going to try not to now.
where I’m feeling a whole lot of nothing, which for me is usually the worst thing to feel. Like I could just end everything at any moment and it would be that simple. Though to be honest, I’ve never actually seriously considered suicide. And from losing so many friends from it, I suppose it’s made me opposed to it. And self harm? Yes, I’ve tried, doesn’t make anything feel better, only leaves hideous scars that remind you of how idiotic you truly are. I can’t go back to serious drugs. It won’t ease these days, but I’ve been dying to get high, off anything and it probably won’t be very long before I do just that. Well I can get through days like this. It really starts to bother me when days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months. I’d just like to lie in bed and contemplate life and everything else and do nothing more. I’ve thought a lot about why this happens to me. I just assume it’s by-product of the past. God I’d like to be different. Whenever I try to change, my past self will linger in the back of my skull and rip me to nothing but shreds when I least expect it.
Do I have to feel like it’s all my fault? I didn’t plan for things to happen like they did. I can’t even decide whether it’s a good or bad thing, and I don’t wake up in the mornings feeling differently, or older or even more mature. I always thought I would feel changed when it finally happened, but it was nothing magical, and hardly worth remembering. When I was younger, I believed that sex should be with someone you genuinely love and care about. And I know I love and care for my boyfriend, but something about it doesn’t feel right. I don’t understand how I can seem so certain about someone, and then when sex is in the picture, question everything. I probably shouldn’t think about it too hard though. I’m sure it’s nothing.
Exams went really well. All the studying paid off. This year was cake though. I’m a little worried about next year. It’s summer now though so I should stop thinking about it. But school is always on my mind. Anyway, I’ve got plans with my boy today. Not like I was planning on writing a lot, but I mean if I wanted to.
I’m always so exhausted. Just exhausted from trying to please everyone all at once. Or making sure no one is upset with me. I don’t want to care anymore. I really have more important things to worry about.
I’ve spent some time pondering how I should go about this tumblr. I would enjoy writing my thoughts and feelings, but I can’t really call it a diary, how contradicting would that be? Since technically it’s available to anyone who has internet access. So what would I call it? Just “my tumblr”? I suppose it doesn’t really matter. Maybe I can write about my day or something. I guess I’ll do that or whatever. It’s Monday and exams are coming up, then summer. I always stress about exams but never really have problems with them. Grades are all good, only thing that’s kind of borderline is pre calc but George is a math person and he’ll help me out. Anyway, I never really cared for Mondays and it’s hard to wake up in the mornings. I hope one day I’ll become a morning person. Maybe I just need to start drinking coffee or something, it takes me hours to completely wake up. Sometimes I feel like I’m always half asleep. I stay up late to finish work and only get 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night. I live for sleeping in really late on weekends and during breaks. I don’t know what I want to do with my life when I graduate high school, but I hope I don’t have to wake up so damn early to do it. I’m not too much of an angry person though besides that. I set my schedule for next year so I have 1st hour off and I can sleep in a little more. But that won’t work if I decide to switch out of AP chem, and I have a feeling I probably will. Actually, I had planned to write more today but I have to get back to work. Maybe tomorrow.
